world and heart, explorer slender; tracing lines both true and tender
Posted on June 15, 2014
Realizing that my backpack is a greater weight on my mind than my shoulders, and sending home even two pounds of stuff is like floating.
Coming to settle on the notion that I do in fact really want something, and allowing myself small detours and splurges to go ahead and buy a dang chocolate bar. And then eat it voraciously and without care on the sidewalk while people do double takes at the little American.
Putting one foot in front of the other no matter how many new aches I am feeling in my feet, legs, back, and heart.
Writing! Blog, personal journal, postcards, emails; I like it all.
Standing resolutely in front of the subway map for a good ten minutes until I figure out once and for all where I need to go, gosh darn it.
Making plans. Doing them. Making small lists and crossing things off.
Sitting next to a girl at the airport for a while until I finally work up the courage to smile and say hi, even though it’s somewhat past the point where it wouldn’t have been awkward when I first sat down. My stomach may feel like lead for various reasons, but I know that talking to people, anyone, is the greatest relief to my distress, and I work hard to make this happen for myself instead of waiting for it happen to me.
Finding time to read my bible every day.
Washed out photos of a stunning coast is incredibly frustrating. So, I read my camera manual after an embarrassing number of years so that I can finally learn how to take better pictures, intentionally.
Exchanging life lessons with strangers. Such as: debating the merits of anger (or lack thereof) with a new friend over a beer. He is skeptical of my “buddhism.” He goes away with some thoughts of peace, perhaps, and I go away happily better equipped for socializing in the broad world.
Realizing I might have small things to give back, instead of just being a perpetual sponge.
Getting teased instead of being formal and polite, making real jokes and laughing the kind of familiar laugh with someone you connect with over a couch surfing dinner. Quick flashes of that sought after I-swear-I’ve-known-you-for-longer-than-ten-minutes thing.
Wearing lipstick, hello.
Coming to understand what I want. Maybe.
No longer being clumsy with anxiety. Feeling like Tiffany again.